When my children came home talking about their school’s kindness week, I couldn’t help but pause. Their voices were full of clarity and conviction. They’d learned about bullying. They could name it. They understood the power of empathy and standing up for others. They were being taught, from an early age, that respect is a shared responsibility.
And I was struck by this realization:
My kids were learning things I didn’t learn until much later in life.
Not because I wasn’t paying attention.
Because I didn’t have to.
The First Time I Felt Bullied
I wasn’t bullied as a child. I had a safe, steady social experience. I felt included. I felt seen.
That changed in college, when I joined a fraternity at the University of Illinois. The hazing wasn’t just “boys being boys” or innocent pranks. It was psychological, physical, and emotional.
It was framed as tradition.
We were told it was part of belonging. That the discomfort was the price of admission.
The message was clear and consistent:
Power controls belonging. Submission earns approval.
It was my first taste of bullying. And it stuck with me.
At the time, I didn’t have the words to name it. Most of us didn’t.
We internalized the message: adapt or be rejected.
Then It Happened Again – in the Workplace
Years later, I found myself in a professional environment where the pattern reemerged.
There was no hazing ritual this time. No raised voices. No physical intimidation.
Instead, it was silence.
Exclusion.
Discrediting.
Sabotage.
A campaign, subtle and calculated, to wear me down. To undermine my confidence. To isolate me from my team.
And once again, the message was clear:
Conform or disappear.
I began to question my instincts. I softened my voice. I second-guessed my decisions.
I shrunk.
I didn’t lack ability… I was just trying to survive.
The Invisible Injury of Adult Bullying
Most people associate bullying with playgrounds or locker rooms. But adults experience it too – just under a different disguise. In the workplace, bullying often looks like:
- Withholding information
- Sabotaging projects
- Undermining authority
- Gossip, exclusion, and social manipulation
- Passive-aggressive “feedback” delivered publicly
- Gaslighting and reputation damage
And the worst part?
It’s rarely called what it is.
At work, bullying hides behind performance reviews, org charts, and “difficult personalities.”
It’s buried in toxic leadership.
It thrives in cultures of silence.
I’m Not Alone – And Neither Are You
What happened to me isn’t rare.
It’s happening right now, in offices, classrooms, hospitals, and boardrooms.
Florida International University estimates that workplace harassment and violence cost U.S. businesses up to 56 billion dollars annually – likely more when you factor in mental health, turnover, lost productivity, and legal costs.
But the real cost?
The people who stop believing in themselves.
The careers that stall.
The confidence that erodes.
The dreams that dim.
Five Similarities Between Childhood and Adult Bullying
Bullying evolves, but its core elements stay the same. Whether it happens in a classroom or a conference room, here’s what it often includes:
- Power Imbalance
There’s a clear dynamic where one person (or group) holds perceived control – through status, title, or influence. - Repetition
Bullying isn’t one bad day or an isolated comment. It’s patterned behavior designed to wear someone down over time. - Bystander Silence
In both cases, people witness the harm but often say nothing – fearing their own position, unsure how to help, or unaware of the damage. - Emotional Injury
Bullying causes long-term psychological effects: anxiety, shame, self-doubt, and trauma responses that can linger for years. - Self-Blame
Victims often internalize the abuse. Children think they’re weird or weak. Adults believe they’re not competent enough or that they somehow deserve it.
But There Are Key Differences, Too
Here’s what makes adult bullying uniquely complex – and often more dangerous.
- Schools Name the Behavior. Workplaces Deny It.
Children are taught what bullying is. They know it’s wrong. Adults? We work in systems that label bullying as “strong leadership” or “just business.” - Children Have Guardians. Adults Are On Their Own.
Kids have teachers, parents, and counselors trained to intervene. But in the workplace, speaking up can risk your job, your income, or your reputation. - Clear Accountability vs. Corporate Evasion
Schools often have bullying policies, reporting systems, and interventions. Most workplaces do not. HR departments may be more interested in protecting the organization than the employee. - Tactics Are Subtle and Strategic
Workplace bullying often hides behind emails, meeting dynamics, or vague performance concerns. It’s harder to prove and easier to dismiss. - Adults Are Expected to “Tough It Out”
Children are encouraged to speak up. Adults are told to keep their heads down, not rock the boat, or “be professional” – it’s code for “be quiet.”
Why This Matters Now
I’ve coached dozens of professionals through bullying recovery. And one thing I see over and over again is how surprised people are by how long it takes to feel like themselves again.
They didn’t expect to carry the anxiety home.
They didn’t expect to flinch when the phone rings.
They didn’t expect to feel shame, even after leaving.
But trauma doesn’t stay in the office. It goes with you until you begin to heal it.
So What Can We Do?
Five Things Organizations Must Do to Prevent Mobbing and Adult Bullying
- Identify When Hostility Targets One Person
Pay attention to patterns. If multiple people are undermining, excluding, or gossiping about one colleague, it’s not a personality clash. It’s mobbing. - Train Leaders to Intervene Early
Teach managers how to recognize and stop toxic group dynamics – not ignore them until someone quits. - Create Safe Reporting Mechanisms
HR isn’t always enough. Employees need anonymous, independent channels to report abuse without fear of retaliation. - Audit for Favoritism, Silos, and Cliques
These create the perfect breeding ground for bullying. Culture reviews should happen regularly – not just after lawsuits. - Address Culture, Not Just Incidents
Don’t treat bullying like a one-off issue. It’s a symptom of a broken culture. Fix the system, not just the behavior.
And If You’ve Been Targeted – Start Here
- Name It
You weren’t “too sensitive.” You were bullied. That matters. - Document It
Keep records of incidents. Not just for legal reasons, but for validation. - Reconnect With Your Network
Isolation is a common tactic. Rebuild your support system outside the workplace. - Work With a Coach or Therapist
Someone trained in trauma recovery can help you process what happened and rebuild your sense of self. - Reclaim Your Identity
You are not what they said about you. Reclaim your voice, your value, and your vision for what comes next.
You Deserve More Than Survival
We should not accept bullying as a rite of passage in school, college, or our careers.
We should not confuse silence with strength or sabotage with leadership.
And we should never let a toxic system redefine who we are.
If you’re navigating workplace bullying or trying to recover from it, you don’t have to do it alone.
Schedule a confidential call with me today.
We’ll talk about where you’ve been, what you’re facing, and what healing can look like from here.
Schedule your free consultation
And if someone in your life is dealing with this, please pass this along.
Bullying thrives in silence. But every time we speak up, we take its power away.